


In Control

by unluckyrose



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Mental Illness, OCD, i wrote this on my phone while sleep deprived
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 08:13:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10382361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unluckyrose/pseuds/unluckyrose
Summary: OCD is a bitch, especially when it's the middle of the night and you haven't slept because everyone's lives depend on you doing some pointless task.





	

**Author's Note:**

> *shoves my problems onto fictional characters* headcanon
> 
> but yeah i was pretty tired when i wrote this and i went back and edited it later so hopefully no obvious errors. enjoy a rosemary drabble since i don't have time/energy to write anything more

Rose only felt relaxed when she was completely in control of the situation. As Seer of Light, she luckily found herself more likely than anyone to be in control of practically every situation. She could foresee needed information and strategize. She was the backbone of the team, and they needed her to be on top of things as much as she did.

The problem was, she hadn’t actually felt on top of things since her friend’s house was almost destroyed by a meteor.

Her eyelids drooped and the fingers of her left hand tapped the side of her coffee mug. Judging by the hollow sound it was making, it was nearly empty. Her other hand was clenched almost painfully around a pen, writing so quickly the words were hardly legible. Her eyes were barely in focus, unable to even read the purple scribblings her pen was leaving.

Footsteps entered the room. They sounded soft, and with an even rhythm. Not Karkat, Vriska, or Terezi then. All three of them always stomped about, chaotic even when tired or calm. Karkat walked like he was angry at the floor, or as if he was trying to make as much noise as possible because everything about him was loud. Terezi’s footsteps were usually punctuated with the tap of a cane, but even when she was without her cane she tapped her feet in an uneven rhythm. Rose thought it may be a way for her to navigate, the extra echoes of the metal floor letting her know when she’s changed rooms. It was also possible she simply wanted to announce her presence to everyone in the area, like Vriska, who did everything, including walking, in an attention-grabbing way. Dave would occasionally walk with soft, even footsteps, depending on his mood, but it was rare for him to enter without muttering to himself or beginning to talk to the room’s occupants immediately.

Rose suddenly realized she had stopped writing and quickly continued. She didn’t look up to see the newcomer, too absorbed in her work. Her fingers started tapping more rapidly.

“Rose?” Kanaya’s voice was filled with enough concern to almost make her pause. “Are you still awake? You are sitting exactly where you were when I went to sleep.”

“I’m going to sleep soon, don’t worry,” Rose assured her. Her eyes still couldn’t focus on what she was writing.

The footsteps moved toward her and stopped right beside the table she was working at. “You really should sleep, you don’t look… well.”

“I am fine,” Rose said, one tap of her finger for each word. Her hand twitched, muscles protesting, but she ignored it. God knew she’d already ruined her hands so badly, there was no use worrying about them anymore. The skin on them was cracked and bloody from all the time she’s spent washing them, and there were indents on the side of her index finger from holding a pen so long and often. She remembered the first week on the meteor, when it had occurred to her that the lab could be filled any number of alien diseases. What if she or Dave had come down with something that prevented them from being able to defend themselves? What if she had contracted something that fried her mind, thus rendering her useless? She had alchemized an insane amount of bleach and had scrubbed every surface in every room she could before a concerned Karkat had bullied her into sleep. Her hands had burned for days afterwards. She kept cleaning at least once a week, but it wasn’t her main worry anymore as they were now two and a half years into the journey and none of them had gotten sick yet.

A hand softly touched her arm, making her jump and pulling her from her thoughts. "Rose..." Kanaya said softly, and nothing more. She was so worried.

"Kanaya!" Rose snapped, finally looking up. "I am fine! Let me do this."

The troll recoiled. She stepped back, arm instinctively bending against herself for protection. Her shining, beautiful green eyes were filled with hurt and concern and Rose felt her blood go cold. God dammit.

Rose's whole body started shaking and she finally dropped the pen, wrapping her arms around herself and leaning away from her matesprit. She blinked away tears and turned her head away. "I'm sorry. I just, I need to write this all down. I can't sleep if I don't."

After a short pause, the bench in front of the table shifted a bit as the troll sat. "Can you tell me why?" She asked gently.

Rose was quiet, staring at the journal in front of her and trying to make out any of the words. She fought the urge to just grab the pen and keep writing without answering. "I'm writing everything down," she sighed, trying to relax her muscles. "Everything I know, everything I've Seen, everything I can remember."

"Why is this more important than sleeping?"

"... What if I forget something?" Rose replied quietly. "When Vriska and I are planning, I don't want to forget something small but infinitely important to everyone's survival. I don't want to forget some small fact, then cause someone's death. Losing sleep now is better than forgetting an enemy or overlooking something and losing the battle over it."

"Yes, I can understand that," Kanaya said, "but don't you know that logically, writing this all down now won't eliminate the possibility?"

"Of course I do!" Rose snapped, flailing her hands a bit and nearly knocking her mug over. "But I just can't sleep because every time I lay down I think of something else I absolutely can't forget, and I tell myself it's not something I should worry about, because it's something out of my control, but I just can’t deal with that! My mind is a constant repetition of 'do this pointless menial task or everyone will die and it will be your fault!' and I try to fight it but I just can't! I just think, 'Ill just wash my hands again, it's better than getting sick and losing precious time to plan' and I know it's stupid to wash my hands for fifteen minutes straight but I just can't!"

She was getting progressively louder, and had now stood up. Kanaya had learned back slightly, but otherwise her expression remained unchanged.

"Kanaya, this is all on me, don't you see? If I screw up, even the slightest bit, people could die. There are so many variables that I can't control here, and lives are on the line, and my whole attention is taken up by ridiculous rituals that solve nothing!" She let out a long breath, then sank back down on the bench, face heating and heart sinking. She'd embarrassed herself over this again. "All it does is take up time and stress me more. And make everyone worry about me. I'm sorry."

There was silence again, no doubt Kanaya was waiting to see if she was done. Then a hand gently stroked her back. Rose gave in and fell into her matesprit, hugging her tightly. "You don't need to be sorry, Rose. And you're not stupid," Kanaya assured her, hugging her back. "I don't know how I can get you to stop worrying about the little things, or stop the rituals, but I think the most important thing is for you to focus on your own health. You cannot be on top of things when you’re like this.”

“Of course I know that. I know that writing everything down won’t actually help, and that cleaning everything meticulously is just time wasting, and checking my weapons ten times a day is ridiculous. I just can’t stop, because I just get so scared that if I don’t, everything will go wrong. I have to control all variables.” 

“Except I have the feeling you’re not really in control here.” Kanaya patted Rose’s head softly. Rose didn’t reply, just burying her face further in the front of Kanaya’s pajamas. They were a soft, fuzzy material, and she felt almost like a living pillow.

Several moments passed in silence. Rose was fighting between sleep and continuing to write, and she wasn’t sure which side she was leaning towards but she somehow still felt she was losing. She shifted against Kanaya, changing to a more comfortable position across her lap with her head resting on her shoulder. 

Suddenly, she was yanked out of her drowsiness when she found herself higher in the air than she was a moment ago. Kanaya had one arm around Rose’s shoulders and the other under her knees, carrying her bridal-style and moving swiftly to the transportalizer.

Roses let out an undignified squawk and wrapped her arms around her matesprit’s neck for balance. “What are you doing? Kanaya!”

Kanaya laughed softly and took them both on the transportalizer to the main hall, already walking by the time they’d rematerialized. Judging by the direction, she was taking them to Rose’s room. “If you cannot stop doing the rituals, then I’ll stop you. We are going to your room and watching a movie.”

Rose felt both a wave of relief and a stab of panic. “But what about my writing? Kanaya! Put me down, at least let me go get my journal so I can work on it while we watch!”

Kanaya’s grip on her tightened. “No.”

Rose went limp with a sigh. “I won’t be able to sleep, you know. I’ll keep having anxiety attacks until I finish it. I’ll keep worrying all night, I always do.”

They reached the door to Rose’s room and Kanaya shouldered it open. “Then perhaps you should think about what movie we should watch and leave that task to Tomorrow-Rose.” Rose bounced on the bed as her matesprit dropped her. “This is very important and requires your expertise, Rose. What human monster movie haven’t we watched yet?”

Rose glanced at the door, then at Kanaya’s determined face, then sighed again and uncaptchalogued her laptop.

Only half an hour later she was sound asleep, curled into Kanaya’s side and holding her hand while the movie’s exposition played at the end of the bed, falling on deaf ears.


End file.
